Understanding Trauma and Healing Through Self-Compassion

Trauma, which can be defined as an emotional wound that persists long after the wounding experience has passed, can significantly impact our lives. In therapy, healing trauma involves tending to these emotional wounds with care and compassion. However, it also involves working with all the defensive strategies our nervous system employs to protect these old wounds.

The Role of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion plays a crucial role in healing. It involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, much like we would treat a friend in pain. One aim of inner work is to have compassion not just for our vulnerable, wounded parts, but also for the ways our system protects our pain. For example, anger or self-criticism are often protective strategies for guarding old wounds. Consider how your inner critic might tell you, “Don’t even try, you can’t do it,” in order to protect you from feeling like a failure, or how anger might prevent the pain of feeling uncared for or taken advantage of. While the behavior of these protective parts (e.g., losing your temper, criticizing other parts of yourself, ruminating on worst-case scenarios) might not be welcome, it is important to recognize that even these hurtful behaviors and thoughts are trying to help. It can be calming simply to recognize these feelings and thank them for their concern. A bit of curiosity or understanding can help these critical, anxious, or angry parts relax. When feelings are seen and heard, they often don’t have to react so “loudly” or strongly, which can give your system much needed space as you work on healing the vulnerable parts these defensive strategists protect.

The Power of Self-Regulation

Emotional development involves learning to regulate our feelings. Often in childhood we learn to ignore emotions or fight against unpleasant feelings instead of learning to really care for them. Regulation is achieved through connection, which, when we are young, is learned and received from our caregivers and when we are adults, can come from others but also from ourselves. When we have a strong sense of self-compassion, we can access internal reassurance and cope with emotional distress more effectively. For those who haven’t experienced enough acceptance and care in different areas of their lives, emotional wounds may remain unhealed because of a lack of regulation through connection and care. Cultivating self-compassion is an act of repair because, in practicing it, you are treating yourself in a different way than your nervous system is used to. You’re literally creating new pathways and rewiring your nervous system. This enables you to have a new experience and thus start to update the emotional learning of your past with new emotional lessons such as, “It is safe to make mistakes,” or “I am loved and cherished unconditionally.” Practicing compassion towards oneself is the equivalent of connecting with a secure, safe, caregiver that all parts of you can rely on for love and support. The beauty of it is that YOU are exactly who your parts need. The concept of “reparenting” and repair between your Wise Adult Self and all your parts is especially important for those with difficult childhood experiences such as neglect, abuse, emotionally unavailable caregivers, or having to caretake others at a young age.

The Importance of Healing

Untreated emotional wounds can manifest as various symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, anger, and more. Addressing underlying wounds is essential for long-term well-being, but first, the defenses (aka symptoms) of the wounds must be handled kindly and gently. Parts of you that express feelings such as anxiety, anger, or self-criticism have been in these protective roles a long time and often feel alone and exhausted. From the vantage of your Wise Adult Self, kindly offering to collaborate with these defensive strategists instead of doing battle with them can make a world of difference. 

A Therapeutic Approach: IFS and Self-Compassion

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as a system of interconnected parts. By understanding these parts and fostering healthier relationships between them, we can identify and heal from past traumas.

Key Steps in the Healing Process:

1. Create Safety: Establish a safe and supportive environment for the healing process.
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, recognizing the challenges you’ve faced and the protective role of feelings like anger and anxiety.
3. Identify and Address Underlying Wounds: Uncover the root causes of emotional pain and connect with young parts of yourself.. Repair and re-do the lessons of fear or shame from childhood in a new, loving way.
4. Integrate Healing: Integrate newfound self-awareness and compassion into your daily life. Get into relationship with all your parts and show up for them as the caregiver they always hoped would lead and love them.

By understanding the role of self-compassion in healing trauma and utilizing therapeutic approaches like IFS, individuals can embark on a journey of transformation and rediscover their inherent capacity for growth and well-being.